It's unfair.. Trueness.

2012-01-18T00:24:00.001+08:00

So far, nothing has changed. E

ven my feelings toward

him did

not fade

. Growing instead. Its been a

rollercoaster ride. At times I feel like putting a stop n move on but at times when I try, those

feelings keep mounting. Will tell myself its something worth keeping. In the heart. In the mind. I know its still useless but whatever. My feelings are for me to treasure. Like a loner haha.

Sesame.

& adding on to that, there's no doubt I'll be slipping into depression soon. With th

e post that I'm holding, there won't be any time for me to spend freely. Hope I'll do my work effectively. Like how Billy does them. InsyaAllah..

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2012-01-06T15:12:00.000+08:00

Been attending lots of classes, lab class, theory class, dance class & others. The most strenuous was dance class. We're back from our break and its not enough! I wish abg could grant me my leave but no doubt he won't. Last leave I took was during my Os & it was years back. However with me ranting and sulking about longing for a break, I feel so empty without trainings. My schedule is tight but seems otherwise. Furthermore I need to settle lots of stuffs, attend meetings no matter what. So lets just give the thought for a break some break! I love being busy anyway, hardly have any time for myself or family. Not that I'm tryna avoid opportunities to bond stronger, my blood ties, but that I'm comfortable leading a life that is more exposed outside. Like volunteering, travelling, interacting and all. & it looks like its me alone been growing such interest.

Lately been pondering deeply about my future. I'm afraid I'll end up being someone I've tried hard not to be all this while. Regrets here & there, but never learnt anything. But turn out to be a major disappointment to myself. At times felt like wanna walk out on myself. All hopes lost, I'm struggling on my own..

2012-01-01T02:03:00.001+08:00

Its 2012! Not at all excited yet eager to start a new phase of life. Even if the same obstacles are what lies ahead, I'll face them without hesitations. There's no such thing as absolution when you're who you are, transgression repeats on you, like onions. I have them all, the good & the bad. At times when I was down, precious memories came to light & rescued me from the dark. Embracing both is what makes life neutral. Been out and about, met new people, created more bonds, ventured into new fields, faced criticisms, turned wild (in a good way), lost friends, endured backstabs, Alhamdulilah, I managed to pull everything through.

School was great and will always be. Once almost gave up, considering how much I've sacrificed yet pressure keeps on mounting. I just have to believe. & with positive mindset comes positive results. Achieved good grades all this while, thus had me thinking why I want to raise the flag in the first place? My peers supported me emotionally & mentally, it's my duty to help them academically. Very grateful to have such caring mates, what'd I do without them? What'd I do without love? I've liked someone because of his spontaneity, dated him & loved discreetly. That friendship flourished into love, unfortunately, after we grew apart. It didn't work out, we just had to move on. Move on, like not remembering him when I think of potato salad, not missing him when someone stares while I eat, just not missing him is fine. Thing is, I suck at love.

What'd I do without arts? I've gone scot-free from all the heartbreaks and depressions. Dancing keeps me alive, and I love it that it keeps me busy. Tend to regret mistakes here and there, pulling me down together with broken hopes & dreams. But I'm now flying high due to their belief & trust in me. I've got great friends, who taught me everything I need to know, gave me everything I need to have. More & more opportunities keep flowing in. And I never waste a second stopping in my tracks & take a look at what I've been doing. I love what I do. Though its not a passion. What'd I be without family? Been an extremely tough journey for us all. I can't say much cause I don't intend to bring up the past. What's done's done. Thanks to my family. Words can't describe how precious you guys are to me. Loving and missing you guys each and every single day ;)

2011-09-27T16:04:00.001+08:00

It's nearing to end of September then a whole new month. It has been an arduous month, with strenuous situations I gotta deal with, stubborn & selfish people I gotta confront, it's not easy having to adjust to changes that appear everytime. I won't complain being too young to experience bullshits, or too inexperienced to face another. How I solve them depends on my views. Always with me are my few loyal friends & family members, but I'm alone. I chose to be independent since I never liked being helped. This is what I wanna be left with, have my problems all to myself. So sick & weary of having to depend on others, when plans always backfire. "Let me have a taste of how it feels like to be my parents, to be him, to be her." I put myself in grave danger, not knowing I'll have to face such great humiliation & fear afterwards. But never once did I regret my doings, what's there to regret when this is all you're stranded with?

2011-08-26T15:58:00.003+08:00

I've sinned today, my friends. The most catastrophic & devastating day of my entire life. By now, surely I've been blacklisted by God. To sin towards someone who stood up for you in times of despair, gave you a helping hand when in need, encouraged you at times you feel like giving up. I admit, it was heart-wrenching that I feel like dying. It was and always is my mistake. I never learn. Even if I did, it's solely out of pretense. That's the thing, I don't want to pretend and be insincere towards God. I prayed for light, guidance, forgiveness, with faith, all those will be given to me. It all takes time for this to be done willingly, slowly, I'll be deeply committed. Why rush? Shows like you just don't wanna live under HIS gift & purpose for long. Devotion, that's what it is. I have yet to be devoted, but let me do it my way. You won't ever see me living up to your expectations 'cause that's not how I want it to be. My sins, my responsibility. I never ask for anyone to share my burdens. I don't need help since I'm fully aware what activities have I wasted my time on. Be it worth my time or not, what have I become proves the purpose, proves the people, proves the belief & proves the trust. As someone who's quite egoistic, orders are clearly detested. Especially if it's something I'm knowledgeable about. So stop telling me what to do, I ain't a kid. Though out of respect for an elder like you, I'll cock things up. Humans are not perfect. So am I and so are you. So is everything & everyone in this whole wide world. You want things to be perfect in your way, find your own people. I'm a major disappointment so don't bring things up regarding ME. As much as I've poured my hearts out to anyone like mum, or Sima, or whoever close enough to be trusted. But I do have secrets & thoughts I keep to myself. Opinions, in particular. Yes, why opinions & not feelings? Well, no one ever identify mine so why tell? As mentioned before, what am I prove the trust & belief I have in things or people that I love. Feeling of remorse will surround me till eternity. Till then, I'm gonna dedicate my life & time following & fulfilling HIS orders instead of yours though they're both similar cause I hate you for forcing & making me to hurt my beloved. You can forgive me since that's what you have to do, but sorry, I'm not you. Despise me all you want, but I don't give a fucking damn. Never ever belittle my capabilities & expertise in, you've yet to learn that.

2011-05-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

How I wish I'm in somewhere far away from here.. Just w my family, happy bonded family, wouldn't that be great? Live near the beach but not isolated of course, the lawn full w autumn leaves.. Wah.. What a beauty nature is.. If only I can travel, I would leave everything behind.. Education is not only an academic one, but through experience n life lessons. To travel is a rare opportunity, I never would want to miss it. Left till late this year before I'm off! I'm ready to sacrifice everything, for e better :)

2011-05-05T00:20:00.000+08:00

Crushing me into pieces. I don't wanna run away, but situation doesn't allow. Everything is changing, and I can't avoid it. Maybe he could help soothe the aches I'm having, it'd be much better. But it seems I'm expecting it from the wrong person. Heart-wrenching, no? Yes.. The farther I try to go, the nearer I want to be. Guess it's destiny? From what I know, my destiny are always meant to be this way. It's because of me. The choices I have to make, it's so hard.. Everything is depressing.. Pressure here and there, misunderstandings here and there. I wanted to tear, wanna express everything and not bottling them up. Mummy's always there for me. Where's the shoulder I thought I could lean on and cry on? Disappointed. But it's just this.

2011-04-30T02:06:00.000+08:00

The most that I can afford to give you right now are just wide smiles and good laughs. 'Cause I realized that feeling down doesn't and won't mean anything. It's a gay day everyday, cor blimey! :)

2011-04-26T19:44:00.003+08:00

I'm very much aware, thank you :) Yes, I know I'll lose you one day for sure.

2011-04-20T00:52:00.001+08:00

hey, i wanna know, like wth are u thinking about? cause clearly i have no idea and i don't know what to do. i can't move forward 'cause u got me stuck in this situation. maybe, just maybe, i know the reason why. and it could be that i'm right. my intuitions are accurate at times and i trust myself. should it be it provides either a negative or positive outcome, either which.. i'm unsure. having to doubt and be contented at the same time.. having to find the truth on ur own.. having to face everything like it's normal. i bet u don't know, the feeling is like, how u feel when u're dying inside.

2011-04-19T01:10:00.001+08:00

yeah. thats how i've been feeling. contented but wanna break down.

i'm just someone who tend to feel left out every now and then.

now is a critical period i don't think i'll ever succeed in going through. need some moral support do i? nah, i'd rather bottle everything up and keep mum. all these requires patience, trust, love and understanding. i have those but will i stay put and strive?

2011-04-16T10:19:00.000+08:00

i'm head over heels.

i told u so. but u never listen, so served u right. i can't do anything, nor will i do anything since i'm not involved in all those. it's up to u girl, decide what's best for urself, not for others. it's grateful that u thought of helping, but relationship wise, u don't have to. all those are between them and only them. why must u be the middle party, or so-called spy? it ain't right, girl. all these while she knows how to handle, she's 21 already. she's been there and done that, u don't have to teach her what to do when u still have lots of mistakes u haven't learnt from. just try to maintain everything within urself, ok? lil piece of advice for u, whatever it is, just don't try to be a heroin. especially when u're in a situation that is critical enough. i'm hoping the best for u, don't worry, u still have me.

2011-04-15T10:51:00.000+08:00

People always say that time heals everything. But in my case, it doesn't. I still feel pain whenever I reminiscence, still have that disappointed feeling everytime I flashed back to the past. It's kinda hurtful but I'm trying hard to accept. Whatever that happens, it's life. Sooner or later I will experience it so might as well I suffer now. Maybe it's best too if I don't always talk about the same mistake.

Hmm, back to enjoyment :) Finally done with the formation for 17th & 23rd April's show. I've been enjoying the dance, especially when it's mass. It's been a longgggg time since we all performed together. I'm really touched :') & I'm gonna be VERY busy with the inventory and stuff... OHMO.. Headache headache. Seriously I gotta juggle both my activities and school!! HELP!

2011-04-12T19:05:00.001+08:00

I find this hurting. Missing someone is e most difficult for me to overcome. Seems like we're drifting apart and I don't expect things to happen.

Anw, variasi's getting busier week by week. Its a good thing tho, atleast my free days are gonna be occupied. And dance really washes away my pessimism. I just can't wait to perform again! :) Sunday is our performance for Canberra Day, and we're entitled to invite friends or family to tag along. Initially thought of inviting someone since kakak2 n abg2 pestered me to, but show pagi2 arnd 8 or 9 siol? Then, scratch that. Bahh~ :(

2011-04-09T22:54:00.002+08:00

I spent the whole week w this irritating mamasita, and an evening with someone. Yessssss, all those happy shots of ours! Ba-ang ftw! HAHA Kayuh pelan-pelan.. Let's go with the flow, insyaAllah everything's gonna be fine.

2011-04-08T00:28:00.001+08:00

I can't even make up my mind. Stressful enough to make my thoughts go haywire. I've not been eating properly these few days. It's been so long since I was this depressed. Need to keep myself busy so I won't be emotional when I'm alone. Extremely busy that I'm torturing myself both physically or mentally. Just don't get me wondering, please. It hurts so much, the pain is excruciating.. Why add salt to the wound?

Why? I've been here and there, been everywhere. I tried hard to improve, to change, to be better. I guess it's all gone to waste? Good intentions are unnoticed but even the lightest flaw can create sparks. I did overcome some of my fears, but why the negative outcomes? It's entirely confusing. I don't know if it's me or any shit. I can't to not be bothered, 'cause it's life, family. Yknow, it's hard to admit but family can be scary. It's not like it's 'money can be scary', but family. All sorts of bulls I had to go through, and I don't seem to see any ends. No unity, no sincerity. Nothing but plain prejudice. Prejudice babe, prejudice. I fucking hate that word.

2011-04-06T18:11:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I have to, but I can't. Situation simply doesn't allow. I keep on reminiscing and thinking about those bitter memories hurts. What do u mean by home? Both parties just decline unity. I ain't in any position to batter out my thoughts, expectations. U can't expect me to swallow everything n keep mum. Bt I'm helpless.

2011-04-02T23:04:00.002+08:00

Dear diary..

I really need some motivation right now. I can't always bury myself in the past and be shadowed by them. Tough you know, very tough! To be honest, I've never been successful when it comes to handling my problems. Let alone my emotions. It's irritating to have to keep on reminding myself not to take things to heart. Always the same thing, ungkit sane, ungkit sini. Masya-Allah.. How to move on? No wonder I'm deeply mentally affected. Jiwang tak bertempat. Can never go through a day without having 'factors' to 'take into consideration'. You know, this is unhealthy, can cause migraine. Know what is migraine? Yeah, the feeling you have when your head is forcefully stuffed with unwanted unneeded things. Ta-da.

Hmm.. I've got another thing to share with you, diary. BLA3 But definitely situation doesn't allow, does it?

Lots of love, bik..

2011-03-31T16:33:00.003+08:00

Something's got a hold on me. Sorry for being weak even if I tried hard but I guess it's not hard enough. Questions have been popping in my mind, makin banyak benda nak fikir. Kadang-kadang malas nak layankan, tapi kesiankan pula. But whatever it is. Aku ikhlas..

Even if I do, I feel I'm in no position to say it out.

2011-03-30T01:15:00.007+08:00

Blissfully poignant day. I don't want to say anything yet since my mind is full of pangs. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but I tend to put every blame on me. Mentally abusing my own self, huh? I must break free from my own pessimistic thoughts. Honestly tiring having to strain my mind thinking like this. Sho stoopick! Bleahs.. And heartpain, I feel you.

Put all sorrows aside, bik. My day was well-spent, don't ruin the mood. It just tickled me when I remembered how wobbly and shaky my hands and legs were, how fast my heartbeat was. Can't blame tho, I'm panicky and it's not good. Can't blame also, my first time! Thank God.

I know no one would ever believe if I said it was my first.

2011-03-28T19:44:00.001+08:00

i can't judge whether this is real or am i still on cloud nine.

I've been doing upper body twists every morning. Seems like it helped maintained my weight? HAHA like no link. I need to lose weight more. 49kg is not my ideal weight, 47kg is! Should I set out back to my old healthy lifestyle? Doing sit-ups every night and day, went for jogs, ran 5 rounds in the park. I wasn't into sports then but no choice! Just to maintain my top 50 position during sec sch days. Semangat kan! Oh well ;) Now no more.

Mothers are every girl's bestfriend. I was taken aback. Such strong instinct she's got, like always! Especially about this -__-" But she gave me her support, and I don't know why? I was like, for what? Grateful enough but wrong timing. I don't want to expect more than what's obvious since it makes me ponder. She's the one who told me not to be in a craze, but there she was, blabbing about this and that. Bahaha I sort of deviate but gave in along the way. I am a good girl, afterall ^^ (This is so not me) Btw, 'changes' are palpable.

2011-03-27T21:58:00.004+08:00

It's tough for me right now. I failed to get a grip on myself, my emotions are going berserk! Now I really, absolutely have mixed emotions. Sorrow, care, infatuation, worry, everything that's enough to make my heart sink. The moment I began, I knew it's hard for me to stop. It's either, I keep mum like I always do or finally speak up. People don't know how terrible I was feeling. Ecstatic and terrified at the same time. I find this surreal! My legs trembled, I stuttered, my hands were shaking. And I can do nothing but cry. Insecurities are taking its toll on me. & i don't like it! I don't want to feel insecure anymore. Putting up a strong front.. I know I can trust. Blame all those past buggers who made my life miserable. Oh, sorry.. I didn't mean to put the blame on anyone. I just want this trauma to end. You know, being unwantedly emotional, is exhausting. I was fine, I was able to push away any critics but eversince bla3, sighs. & i can't lie. My lies are obvious & it's another obstacle.

it's all about how much effort u put to make something real.

2011-03-26T21:28:00.001+08:00

i'm really grateful with what i have. another chance for me to start over. it's like, 7 years. all along i'd been falling and falling but as usual, i was forgotten. unfortunately those hopes that i had was temporary and fake. i can't believe i shed tears for people who didn't give a damn about me. even so, i was just being used. i gave in too easily but saw them as another door to another opportunity. no matter how hard i was hit, i didn't lose my common sense. all that was in the past, i don't wish to bring them up to the surface again. let them be buried and not spoken of. i'd really like to have a new bestfriend.. but i'm unsure. i've been having doubts no matter how great it feels to be in cloud nine. 9 is a special number. and i don't want to be my own dark memory on my special day. let's just go with the flow. honestly willing to give my best, give whatever it takes to make it real. insyaAllah if the other person is willing too. and to add that, i'm not perfect, no one is.

2011-03-13T16:14:00.001+08:00

It's been a great year so far. I want to have more of vpa! Didn't expect that I'd be learning till this far.. I wasn't a great dancer, but now, I'm learning and trying my best. All I gotta instil are determination and will to strive :) No matter how hard or whether you're already on the verge of giving up.. I'm proud of myself. Not that I wanna boast, but I gave my best shot. Sit tight and relax. Pushing away all those negative and dead demotivators. Someone once told me to live for myself. I am doing it now. Scold me or insult me all you want, but once I start and commit, such harsh words or treatment won't pull me down. What's worst, they are who you thought would support till the end.

2011-02-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

February started by being cruel. I didn't expect such things to happen, and didn't expect to be ruined by my own blood ties. What should I say? I would say a bit of regrets here and there, but still, you gotta be respectful towards humans too, right? I have no rights to control what I do, where I go, since others had already set limitations for me. How to be independent? It depends on myself. I shall make sure my actions doesn't cross the borderline, where eventually all the black swans swim in. Pfft.. How to enjoy? No comments.

2011-01-12T10:22:00.000+08:00

blood is thicker than water.

someday, everyone should realize that even family members can't be trusted. not that your elderly, but your cousins or siblings or whoever regarded your close friend. should it be a small or a big matter, it's a matter of trust. trust is what we give when you believe that she can be told what you deem as an important secret. everyone should also have experienced this before. right now, i don't have any trusting members. i can't even trust myself. broken ties and plain arguments. i didn't regret it. it's not what i chose. and when it's not even my decision, i won't even want to see what's wrong. it's too late. too late to realize or fix what's wrong. i shall take it as my destiny; to lose someone whom i regarded as bestfriend. even now, she still can trust me. but i don't. she simply tried to sabotage my activities all this while. i know it's wrong. but it's what i chose. no use crying over spilled milk. to be honest, i'm not sick or tired of losing my closed ones. you just have to get over it sooner or later, 'cause you'll get used to it. and when you do, you'll see what actually awaits. why is this a case of friendship or family ties? no reason that i know of. nothing beats experience, heee~

2010-11-04T15:44:00.000+08:00

What a pity. Call myself a patient person when indeed I'm not. It's her nature, her attitude. Maybe I think I haven't adapt to it yet? Yes, of course. I've always wanted her to change, but she haven't. Telling others to change when herself is stuck somewhere. I'd be glad to know that she's changed one day, for a better life. I really dislike it when people are living a sad life. That's why I wanted everyone to change for a living. Haish. Still, no one understood my intentions.

REMINISCING

I recalled the first day of Hari Raya, when I went to my uncle's house. Yeah, he didn't accept my apology sincerely. Thus, our broken bonds remain till now. It shattered my heart, when I remembered how close we were. Suddenly, everything changes. That incident didn't fail to make me shed tears. I miss my family. I felt like dying. Still, the ones who are holding on to me are my beloved paternal family <3 I love them lots.

I just realised, and I felt so touched, why can't we even communicate?

2010-10-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

My heart is torn to pieces. Been betrayed several times, mistreated lots of times. Still I've been the same. Of course, I don't have time to waste on being adapted to such humans' behaviour. People should have some sense of humanity. So selfish, only care about themselves, their feelings, but my heart, who cares? My dad, for once, is true. I shouldn't bow to them just because I don't want to hurt them. In the end, its not worth it. I'm the one who's gonna get hurt. So, why bother?

2010-09-09T03:13:00.000+08:00

hey peeps.. today's the last day of ramadhan (fasting month).. sure there were lots of hardships and patience that i had to go through.. sucks a lot, they did. been enjoying myself though with my cousin's company and of course, all-time lepak members, variasi peeps. someone or should i say, a whole group of people should start trusting them and know they meant no harm. feeling comfortable and secure when i was with them, that was why i just don't care..

Iftar @ The Naked Fish Shoppe.. nice buffet! i like! too bad there were some members who couldn't make it though.. received a certificate for my participation in Rentrarts, reminded me of the 'emo' award.. pfft! anw i reached home an hour ago, the 3 musketeers sent me home by taxi.. hehehe..

kla i gtg.. been so long since i last updated.. need to sleep and be ready for exam tomorrow!

2010-08-22T06:21:00.000+08:00

i've been committing myself to tarawih prayers.. good right? hehe. anw, yesterday was a hectic day. training followed by a series of travelling here and there. wooh! even though it was tiring, i enjoyed it alot. it has been weeks since i last went out with variasi peeps. 1st, to nad's. then to kyani's. off to bishan, then geylang. lastly, mustafa centre. had to purchase important stuffs. and everyone was really hyper and nonsensical i just can't stop laughing.. especially i was given the nickname, Ikan Tongkol. thanks abg -____-

oh.. training today was fun.. had to learn the steps for Manis-manis lebaran, in case uh.. In Case. Nazam lebaran's steps were improvised into anugerah aidilfitri's.. even though i enjoyed it, someone just made my work even harder to be done.. UGH

2010-08-10T16:45:00.001+08:00

NDP is over and done with. all of us showed our spirit for our country, regardless of race or religion, being united and share our love together. it was a memorable day for me as after weeks of training, even though tired and had to rush through assignments and all, in the midst of all those, i met new people whom indeed reminded me of my old friends. each of them with their admirable personality. anyway, i was sick. nevertheless, i tried my best to be active and yes i did. i enjoyed the times of my performance, the gathering i was in with the other performers. the most fun part was singing along and waving my handkerchiefs in the air with everyone and having a huge smile on my face. i'll miss those times.

heartache. sometimes, i'm disappointed. i felt being unappreciated. unrecognized even. you guys are simply treating me as one of those under 'low priority' when i've sincerely sacrificed my time for you. whatever it is, i'm never going to take it to heart, but simply remain loyal and true to my passion. just for that. sick or healthy, it never seem as a difference to you, does it? no, you've reflected through your attitude towards me. i've discreetly observed each and everyone's behaviour. well, its true.

another piece of heartache. seriously, why do you appear if you aren't meant to be in the future? do you have to be one of the hardships i need to face yet again? i guess i'm in no position to think of you everytime when there you are, with your own world. don't make me lose trust in relationships. i know, i know. i can never be compared to other beautiful girls out there, i know my place. you left me having to struggle to let you go. what a pathetic human being you've made me into.

2010-08-06T02:31:00.000+08:00

i found this interesting, thanks to Haslinda!

i'm beginning to sleep late, and i've no idea why. recently i transferred adibah's movies to my laptop, which caused me to watch quite a number of them until like, a while ago? hehehe. i shall stop this habit before it worsens, as i can't help it if i were to have eyebags. furthermore, today (or is it yesterday) is/was Malam Jumaat. and here i was, watching horror movies with my cousin. lucky my granddad's asleep. else, i would have been nagged at by now.. anw, semester 2's coming up. no, 3rd exam's coming up. i need to polish myself. can't expect myself to attain good grades when i didn't put in any effort to revise. poly's academic expectations differ from in secondary's. how i wished my brain didn't halfway died. ugh

E24M. a class. what else.

nearing to the end of semester 1, i find it weird for us to behave more 'sporty' and hence, be more sociable with everyone than during early sem 1. despite certain 'curiosity', i shall cherish our moments together. pariapah go e24m.. we're all in this together, ok!

Endang. training for competitions.

i surmised i might have gotten a sore throat by singing my lungs out yesterday. it was super hard for me to maintain my pitch, and had to be in the same pitch as everyone else. i only liked parts where my voice were clear, hehehe. nah. i'm disappointed in myself for not able to bring the best in myself for my group. there's abundant to be learnt.. go, Shazana!

Variasi, as you know, hahaha.. which i shall not speak of, as i've got to go to sleep.. like seriously.. exhausted!

everywhere i go, i carry plenty of responsibilities and pride on my shoulders..

2010-07-26T17:03:00.000+08:00

There's a song that's inside of my soul.

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold.

But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.

And I lift my hands and pray

To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.

Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.

And I lift my hands and pray

To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours

I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.

I'm giving you all of me.

I want your symphony, singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

2010-07-23T22:55:00.000+08:00

just 'cause i can't go on.

just 'cause i die when you're gone.

just 'cause i think of you in bed.

don't let it go to your head.

been feeling restless and sick.

it's been two weeks. and i'm still in this condition.

*slaps head*

i wonder what's taking so freaking long for me to be cured??

thanks to whatever, i had myself injected o.o

2010-07-14T12:01:00.002+08:00

mountains surrounding.

wouldn't be just peaceful to live in this kind of places?

the ambience must be really cool.

i'm so going to there one day.

insyaAllah.

NE show last Saturday was fun indeed despite having to bear the heat of wearing layers of clothes with the costumes outside. the show was great, i think we did well, it was fun, as it seemed as we were performing for the real event. looking forward for the second NE show this Saturday. two tickets available! who's up?

2010-07-12T15:28:00.000+08:00

yeah contradictions everywhere..

stop insulting others or give advices when its meant to be for you..

reflect back on yourself your words..

stop telling me you're aware to relate to yourself..

cause i know you don't..

stop searching for flaws in me..

its yet to be perfected..

learn from mistakes, learn from sarcasms,

learn from ignorance, learn from experiences.

have you?

i bet not.

so just shut up!

2010-07-08T20:28:00.000+08:00

eventually i gotta get myself out of life's mess.

can't let myself get stuck here until i'm out right.

game won't be over by then, but more heartpains.

it seems that everywhere i go, just seems so

that my presence aren't appreciated.

what did i do?

yeah, what have i done?

2010-07-06T14:48:00.000+08:00

sedih. disappointed. uberly unspeakable.

just so it seems you're happy with your own life whilst i'm here, living my own too. it tore my heart. i can't find any cure to mend it so i could forget you and live with what i have now. yeah. it was years ago. but who expects that overtime the love will bloom in me? do i have to leave it to Allah? seems i have to.

2010-07-02T08:19:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to Anis Saini!

Best wishes for your future ;)

Yesterday had Rentrarts meeting, we were briefed about all the admin & logistics stuff..

I was appointed the OIC, wow.. haha. i guess i really have to work hard.

& do my job, wish it could be a success.. hmmm

2010-06-30T08:19:00.000+08:00

once been, forever is..

i see there isn't any need for me to interact -__-

so um, dikir training has been cancelled for like 3 times?

i really am interested in learning to play the kompang/rebana..

'cause the melody, the rhythm, are so soothing to be listened

i hope i'll learn more things too ;)

2010-06-28T16:48:00.000+08:00

when will i ever get to witness sunset with you?

one day, please..

too busy, yeah, that it is. i can't imagine ourselves being so free to have our own time to spend together. seems alien. i don't know why. i'm an optimist, that's why. and i really wonder when will i be not emotional for once? Ya Allah. its ever-happening. never-stopping. both of us aren't at fault. so don't blame yourself for whatever complications that we're having. lets just take it as an obstacle to another set of happiness. jia you! ♥ isz'darnell

2010-06-27T14:12:00.000+08:00

so pure. so clean. so outstanding.

i've been busy with school, dikir and dance.

and i've been too busy to take care of my health.

i'm looking forward for something which i still have no idea of. could it be bad? well, Allahuallam. i'll just hope for the best. and, i wouldn't want to hope for one too. what i can say is, i'm not ready for anything. unless its what i expected. in this kind of situation? no-no. not now, when i, myself, are still not over many things yet. - NDP training was somehow strenuous, but i enjoyed it. the free food, the noisy people, the atmosphere. one thing i don't like: silat item during rehearsal. i'd made up my mind; whatever it is, i'll just go and do the steps with my own counting. i'd enough of following blindly despite the fact that, i know we lost counting. see. nevertheless, my spirit weren't gone. heartfelt emotions, blended together with the songs, made me reminisce everything i had with my family, friends, and whoever. can't be abit too happy, 'cause eventually i'll be heartbroken time and again. a simple girl with numerous glitches in each and every corner of her life. well, what can i say? predestined to be who i am now. i can't regret, won't regret, and never will regret. through all that i've learnt in school, i'll have to take those snags as stepping stones, and use it to improve to a better person. insyaAllah.

Be nice to people on your way up because you might meet 'em on your way down.

2010-06-25T08:02:00.000+08:00

roses are red;

violets are blue.

sugar is sweet;

and so are you.

i passed all my Understanding Tests and i'm grateful for it..

now i just have to work harder for UT2

hope no other matters intrude in my revision schedule.

Just cause I cant go on, just cause I die when ur gone

& just cause I think of you in bed, dont let it go to your head.

if I looked in your eyes, one too, too many times

& memorzied every word you said, dont let it go to your head

2010-06-23T10:07:00.000+08:00

i seriously miss alot of people..

when can i stop feeling weird and guilty?

it's never different each time i went to think of it.

discreetly, i went to meet you yesterday.

it was super awkward, with us being as a couple.

nevertheless you made me comfortable.

i.. like you;

closer to me..

2010-06-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

it's common for couples to fight.

but we didn't even quarrel over trivial matters.

i appreciate your understanding.

♥

yes. no. yes. no.

Endang has officially resumed! ♥

Yes, yes, yes.

Expand my skills in Malay Culture.

Learnt kompang and rebana today.

Wow. My palm felt like tearing apart.

Just now we realised it's not easy as it seemed to be.

Anyway, it was fun. I love catching up with the rhythm.

I love the beat. The sound. The melody.

WAY TO GO!

2010-06-20T18:01:00.001+08:00

i don't want to be the broken-hearted girl.. no.

i'm over it.but when i listened to meaningful songs,

i'll never stop reminiscing..

it has always been a painful memory..

even how hard i tried to forget,

there's never a chance for me to.

no, not to worry much now.

i have to move on with my life..

with a new person who i'll start to trust.

love, believe, understand.

most importantly, always be there when he needs me.

insyaAllah, chances will always be.

no, not you. not now. not ever.

2010-06-19T00:47:00.000+08:00

loneliness..

heard he's feeling lonely nowadays,

can't sleep well night and day.

with me being superbusy everyday,

i just don't know what to say.

2010-06-16T20:37:00.001+08:00

guess what i did this morning?

yes, i walked and danced in the rain. with my cousin, sima.

we walked a long distance, treasuring the moments we were having.

it was indeed an effective way to rejoice myself and release

a bit of stress and depression that we had.

of course, it was temporary. but still a cure.

and no, we didn't care about what people thought

sometimes, we've gotta have to appreciate rain.

p.s. rainwater's much better than shower water.

2010-06-10T15:33:00.003+08:00

I FOUND HIM

guess what. i = heartbroken.

2010-06-07T21:26:00.000+08:00

SATURDAY
NDP training till 7pm. then headed off to eunos with khuda, abghamz and hanis. boarded transport to ecp. barbeque time! wee~ helped here and there. had to fill in the goodie bags. so we started our own 'factory packaging'. hahaha. it was fun! watched a super cute chubby boy, named Shahrizal aka Michael Jackson (he told himself) danced, hahaha so cute! then he started to follow me and pestered me to slack at the picnic mat. ate chicken wings, chicken patty, fried rice, bla3. afterwards had meeting. was tasked to be the telematch jusge, and ticketing officer.

SUNDAY
ikhwan came afterwards. we slacked and helped out too, organizing the food and so on. flooded ikhwan with questions about stars. not me only, abg hamz too ok. ikhwan shared about his ghost stories (which i think i've heard before) and then one by one fell asleep. hahaha! nizam siang2 dah tidur -___- my beloved mummy had backpain. she had to sleep on the 'sleeping' chair? LOL. all of us were in a deep sleep. but due to the uncomfortable 'bed', we woke up feeling much more tired than before. had our super morning bath around 6+. super cold, super kecohhh.. kak siti and kak huda shrieked here and there. then abg hamz and nizam too. kpo2 want to peek! hahaha. funny morning! lots of people were being clumsy, losing their valuables. hahaha mate letak pat lutut pe semue. bla3, big event started.
overall, super duper tiring and super duper hot and super duper hungry and super duper sleepy and super duper lots of fun. seriously. tiring but very fun! i can be a volunteer ya! hahahaha. had our photos taken at places, with super duper cool shades, wah ikwan, gerek ah lu :) they sent us off at bukit gombak, then took cab with wan to yishun. met sima at amk, had dinner. HOME. SLEPT.

REFRESHED!

2010-06-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

PAST ACTIVITIES - problems made me feel like doing it again..

why can't i be normal. be happy. be free.

2010-05-30T08:19:00.001+08:00

wee~ i hope after weeks of intensive training, we're really going to do a great job! :) insyaAllahh..
well, our slot is at around 5.25pm.. hmm.. quite nervous. hahaha

ZAPIN D' MUARA

2010-05-27T08:15:00.000+08:00

dirantai digelangi rindu..

show this Sunday.. 5-7pm within this time range. i hope everyone's able to perform. especially my baby cousin :( wish you all the best, hope you're allowed to perform.. please. Amin.

Zapin D' Muara

Taman Warisan Melayu Sultan Gate

2010-05-24T23:37:00.001+08:00

bukan niatku..

i'm missing something here, am i?
there're many things i'm looking forward to, but i don't know what, 'cause its just a feeling.. made me suspicious whether its a good or bad one :S today's RJ is on perceptual errors. need to apply real-life example. yeah, i put on about my stereotypes on guys. muahaha
zapin d'muara (L)

2010-05-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

tak mungkin berpaling lagi..

things are getting rougher than expected. i'm not able to control my emotions anymore. i can't achieve my goal : to stop emo-ing.. it's not my nature, i'm just addicted to it -__- i just can't stop thinking and thinking and worrying about such matters. jealousy? demotivation? entahlah nyahh. i kinda feel weird eventhough i was able to get along with the flow. it'll make my body nervous and i'll feel the adrenaline rush in me. i want to move on. seriously..

buat seorang kekasih? cish.

2010-05-17T15:54:00.000+08:00

sedetik wajahmu muncul dalam diam..

i'm confused. what people want from me? what do you want from me?

abang hamzah, i love your cooking! cook more =)

maafkanlah ohh.

2010-05-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

where did i go?

suddenly.. i miss him :'( seriously.. age doesn't matter to me

2010-05-06T16:44:00.000+08:00

switching to 'jiwang' mode..

currently in class, listening to Britney Spears' Little Me. inspired to create own poem again after months of not doing so. however, it's about love (duh) but it isn't about guys. well it is, only that he's a blood relative.. haishh.. been so long i didn't write poems.. and now, it generated tears in my eyes. may seem abit touching, lol.

little me, please forgive me, i couldn't see, you're hurting inside.

2010-05-05T00:41:00.000+08:00

how weird can i be living in a weird life..

i hope my family's doing fine though i'm unsure of their current situation. life @ school's plain typical. bla3 my sci faci reminds me of mr yang -__- & i gotta stop, stop, stop liking older guys! hahaha. why must it have to be a SCI teacher? is there some indication of failure in that module? hahaha. and ya, my classmates didn't know that even how innocent decent i can be, its undeniable how flirty i can be! :p praising & admiring someone i hardly knew, but only his name. nonsensical huh? no no, it's just a disposable admiration. hehehe.

vpa's training resumed hours ago! learnt new zapin dance (zapin ISNT my name, E24M) hahaha. well, why is there plenty of 'hahaha' in this post eh? no no, cannot be too happy. later i'm gonna cry :( hahaha. ok gotta go, tomorrow need to be up by 5am lei. hey, JC's better than poly. arghh hahaha early in the morning im stressed up thinking of what to wear -___- lots of clothes doesn't do me any good you know ~ GDNITE

everytime - britney spears :'( x 100

2010-05-02T20:40:00.000+08:00

i hate to part from you, i really do.

woahh. a few more hours to my mum going back. she won't be able to come here anymore often. and i can't go to visit, passport expired :'( please, help me to be strong. i miss her. i miss her.

stop. stop. stop.

2010-04-29T17:13:00.001+08:00

'cause everything seems fine when it's not..

i'm officially the new member of dikir barat Endang :) me likee them. since last year been watching nad's shows, then this year started following her to go to trainings, made me felt like joining, and i did. even though it's still in the Arts scene, but i wanna try a new cca! i hope both my commitment in variasi and endang (in the future) be high as can be :p insyaAllah amin.

auntybelle, mummyabby, cousinnad, cousinanis

sorry, i've no time for guys right now. thanks for your concern. i appreciate that alot! especially 'cause you made me blushed many times :p wa'alaikumsaalam.

2010-04-26T16:18:00.000+08:00

gila bayanganmu..

i reached class at 7.45am, followed by daryl and so on. today's faci was such a damn freaking bore and lame person! he always have to end his sentences with 'people'. LOL i was irritated by him and his lame meaningless jokes and sarcasms. hmm. during break watched incredible tales instead of doing work, ended up my team went kanchiong. hahaha. and things started pissing me off. its just that, i don't like people scolding me for something i did for good. my group's the last to present, and the last to choose the chocolate. and we got sesame chocolate, and i hate sesame! it didn't taste good. but quite nice lah. then after which went off to library to accompany my cousin nad, later off to dikir training.

i missed the chance today, served me right. but i wasn't ready. my heart was pounding heavily, pumped adrenaline to all parts of my body and made me tremble. i don't know why. but i just admire you.

2010-04-25T11:54:00.001+08:00

you guys gave me a pleasant shocking suprise..

love you my cousin ;) + anis

Pestariasi V Reunion Chalet!! *thumbs up*

lots of news coming in, huh? well, i'm just startled o.o

there's been alot of thinking recently, and still all these made me ponder.

2010-04-22T16:10:00.000+08:00

i feel so empty and confused..

nowadays i find it hard to blog as always. it all depends on my situation, recently tired and busy.

i'm loving this;

PESTARIASI V reunion chalet

Friday evening to Sunday

faster come!

i'm not jealous, i'm not jealous, i'm not jealous!

2010-04-21T00:41:00.000+08:00

a reason to start over new, and the reason is you..

today mood swing. not good. not bad either. its just that it kind of made me think alot. and i tend to think too much that i blanked out, and it's an unhealthy step. i tried to control myself from being an emo, pissed off whatsoever. however, i was unable to hang on. i tried, but im too feeble.

everything's becoming haywire. everything.

you hurt us, hurt her deeper. don't mind my injuries, its her heart that's broken. damn it. go and fix it!

2010-04-20T08:29:00.000+08:00

sungguh bercelaru fikiran aku tak menentu..

school, its always as usual, so im not gonna waste my post writing about school. you know i know lah ok. well i went to nad's dikir training, and somehow felt involved. hehehe. maybe im gonna join? 'cause im not gonna join any dance group in school. *hints* lets try a new activity. hmph. after that, went to meet aunty belle, daddy bob and uncle billy at LJS and had dinner there. home. indeed laughters everywhere!

HOWEVER, this morning, something happened, and im not gonna elaborate about it.
I HATE YOU for hurting my mother. damnnn

i dont know what to do to comfort her. helpppp

2010-04-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

berkejaran bintang di lautan, nafas kesesakan..

i've paid my sleep debt, i surmise, since for the first time, i was awake during the bus journey to woodlands :) i supposed it was because of the two malay guys who sat beside me, 'cause they joked about malaysia's female artistes. jaclyn victor, for example, one of them said, "i would marry jaclyn victor if i had the chance 'cause she'll make me rich", hahaha. what an impossible dream. and so on lah, it was hilarious and made me laughed discreetly. lol. and so, nad, anis and i were late, but we didn't rush, hehehe. and for the first time too, the meeting engaged me.

wait wait, who do i really hope for right now? should i just let go, and start a new life? hmm

2010-04-15T20:43:00.001+08:00

jangan-jangan kau menolak cintaku..

started school today. fortunately, i wasn't so clueless and lost when finding my class just now. i just followed the signboards and yeah, i found my class. was late by a few minutes :p went to our respective groups and started our lesson. did presentation which was damn hilarious. hahaha hope it stays that way for this 3 months we're being together :) after school, met nad at trcc for her dikir thingy. afterwhich we went home, when it rained very heavily, and so we made stupid stupid jokes all the way. hahaha!

i'm looking forward to meet you again. my heart keeps on pounding whenever i think of you..

2010-04-14T10:27:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of you. twice.

yesterday was our show @ causeway point. it was a cock-up, hahaha. what do you expect? last minute changes and also the space wasn't big enough. hahaha i managed to laugh at some parts 'cause all of us hit each other everytime. hahaha. funny!

you made me miss you, but i can't imagine myself being with you.

2010-04-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

sayang, ku ingatkan dirimu, bahwa ku tak bisa hidup tanpamu..

had our training for the 2nd time at abang hamz's place there. did zbf then decided to modify some steps. the training was strenous. perspired here and then. had blisters. my left ankle nearly sprained again. goshh. then my cousin and i left early 'cause we lived in hougang. hehehe :p

you left me missing you..

2010-04-11T02:19:00.000+08:00

oh Tuhanku, ku relakan segala, takkan pernah ku akui kalah..

dance show @ amk. home.

you made me flattered. is it starting all over again?

2010-04-09T19:06:00.000+08:00

i'll be fine with me, myself and time..

found out about things which came unexpected. & yesterday was really a coincident day. met several people whom i didn't want to meet at all. i always thought about them before & was able to forget them, when they (or he) was one of whom i met. was pissed off for no reason. afterwards travelled alot (around eastern part ler). waited for mummy at sembawang mrt for nearly half an hour when she texted me to meet straight at cc -_-" then she was late again. took dance accessories from the storeroom & slacked in the danceroom. was when i found out that --. started training for dondang sayang & zapin budi funky.

i didn't expect things to turn out this way. i wanted someone else, but you came. sorry, i can't accept. even if you were the one that i want, i'm just not ready for love.

2010-04-08T10:49:00.002+08:00

it's a matter of being patience..

i've been propped up at home doing nothing except surfing the net. which basically leads to virus infection. hahaha. lesson learnt - never ever click any link sent even when you're chatting with someone or the link's sent by your close cousin. hahaha. i was unbelievably stupid 'cause i knew it might be a virus. yet i clicked. stupid right -_- i panicked like no one's business & disturbed my friends, asking them to help. hahahaha! i almost brokedown yesterday, ok, lucky i didn't, if i did, it was exaggerating.

watched dawn of the dead on youtube. so gruesome! we were hungry so we served ourselves 5 different kinds of food. pasta tomyum, french fries, epok-epok, samosa, bread & kaya. hehehe. i only ate the french fries ah.

i observed her, she seemed interested in you, even in denial. yes, i rather let her have you than an empty me.

2010-04-07T02:05:00.000+08:00

things just don't turn out well ever..

accompanied my cousin to ite simei. then went to parkway parade to have our lunch and bought her book. had a walk in tampines mall, then went home by bus 27. had to walk home, but we decided to have our dinner at hougang green. & yeahh. home afterwards. webcammed with sima's friend :p

seriously, i wouldn't want to store hopes in guys anymore. it's freaking useless & harmful to my life! never did i experience any sincere feelings from anyone. and the way they treat me, made me apoplectic! there isn't anyone out there who's willing to understand. which is fine for me, 'cause that's how i'm supposed to live by. damnn.

2010-04-05T13:02:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think about forgetting you..

Pestariasi V yesterday wasn't how I expected it to be. Lighting and sound systems totally flunked (not due to nero or whoever). Lucky we memorised the song for "Tari Tualang Tiga" & "Melaka (Fast V)", if not we were already been panicky. Indeed the show was well covered-up, except for some. Nevertheless, it wasn't miserable. I enjoyed most of it, I had to enjoy, and cherish all moments there. Despite several miscommunications, we did our best in making Pestariasi V an average rather than a bad one. Overall, it's great :) & i'm soo loving the confetti! ;)

Well yes, my parents turned up for the event, unwillingly. I can conclude from their expressions & incuriousity. However, was abit touched when my grandma said it was well-done (still I doubt it to be true) hahaha, & complimented on the dancers that all of us were beautiful :D I appreciated hers and sima's attendance, though.

how am i gonna overcome my feelings towards you?

2010-04-03T23:48:00.000+08:00

i wouldn't dare hope much..

i was such a dumb dumb to forgot i wasn't supposed to come at 8.30am, and i reached cc at 7.45am -_-" haiyo! lucky i didn't waste time slacking, i helped ana & the rest. had our full-dress rehearsal. perspired profusely! i wonder how tomorrow'll be like :) anyway for a few days i did not proper meals. today even. i didn't consume much though. combined with silat, telpa, and we did quite a great job, for me lah :p hahaha. afterwards we ended and packed then i waited at the sunplaza's taxi stand for my aunt to fetch. home.

& maybe pestariasi tomorrow would be my last show. thanks to my dad. bye. goodnight.

if everything's confirmed seriously, i will be really disappointed.

2010-04-02T05:24:00.000+08:00

i presume you guys are made for each other, i willingly hand her over to you..

shucks. my stomach's been growling since hours ago, not that i've not eaten. well, actually, maybe 'cause i didn't consume much.

i've made progress, to be more independent in handling my own problems. however, it's not lessening, yet it's doubling! wonder how long am i able to cope. life's definitely a beautiful struggle. sure indeed, gorgeous enough to contribute to a flood of tears. it's irresistable. i don't see why my life shouldn't be lke this. more like serve-me-right type. i'm strong for now. hope others will too. i will be optimistic this time. life's been bitter and worthless right now, and at such a young age. you may not be destined to lead an enjoyable life, it's all sorrows and regret. but if you overlook all these, don't you foresee a brighter future way ahead? stuffs happened for a reason, which is an experience worth gaining. use it as your guide in your future plans, you'll definitely see there're meanings. meanings that put colours to your dull life, that is. just whatever it is, how long you must endure, just endure and be patient, even if you're on the verge of losing, don't give up. atleast a tiny change matters the world.

i did talk a lot, but actually i'm not that strong ah. i want to put my problems aside and assist those who're in need. it's just that i doubt myself to be a good advicer. i tried to put myself in your shoes, i want to help.

i'm so confused whether is it you or him or whoever male i'm freaking thinking about!

2010-03-31T13:14:00.000+08:00

bagaimana harus aku menahan rasa rinduku bila kau tiada di sisi..

i don't know anything else to be done now. online only. hehe. i just bought a new laptop since my old one's spoilt. and the best thing is, ade webcam.. so jakun kan?? hahaha.. webcammed with shira and putra. hahaha! funny and lame!

kk im now having body aches (forever) hahaha.. due to trainings and my ankle hasn't fully recovered yet. few more days to go. yess

im too gullible is it?

2010-03-29T11:45:00.000+08:00

i'm able to cope now.. dat good :)

i can't conclude life's unfair to me. life's fair, only that on certain times.. i'm starting to adapt myself here, definitely a must, 'cause they're still my beloved family. but it's quite hard to understand their attitude respectively, so i'm gonna have to just get along well.

hmm. yesterday's training was quite intensive, from 3 to 8 pm. when i reached home, my body ached and my leg felt feeble. we celebrated kak hani's birthday too :) and we did scene 1 to 5, 80% completed i guess? anyways, i'm getting nervous, hehh. hmm, plus, i can't really accept it that kak tasha's leaving after pestariasi.. oh god. losing another beloved member. but she has to, as she has other commitments too, and problems. if i were to put myself in her shoes, i would've done the same, taking that decision. but right now, i have some relations' support, so i have to be strong.

it's a matter of how you want your life to be; so the consequences - you have to accept it.

2010-03-23T16:32:00.000+08:00

life is definitely being unfair to me.

guess what? yes. i'll be staying with my grandparents and all in hougang. actually, i've already started staying with them. it's an advantage too, for me to learn more about my religion, while strengthening my family bonds. it's the first time i'm starting my new life in the eastern part of singapore, which is actually risky for me, for some personal reasons. it's just that : xIM GONNA DIEx

hmm, anw i'm getting proper meals everyday! definitely good! hahaha.. but still i HAVE to maintain my diet! my new residence resolution: maintain a good body shape. huuuuu. plus plus, im unable to spend precious time with vpa since there's strict rules to be obeyed here. can't overnight, reach home late, hmm. im worried our bonds will loosen up.

i don't know what to say, how to say it out, what's this feeling i'm having, why is it there, how am i supposed to react to it, will there even be anyone to understand? no. i'm not going to burden someone else with my problems and burn their ears listening. it's easier if i just keep everything bottled up inside of me.

2010-03-19T08:19:00.000+08:00

dalam diam aku menyintaimu..

many sway things happened on a sway yesterday. bullshit se. went to boon lay sec to help the dancers for make-up and all. hmm. then went to ngee ann city to watch them, met abgkhai. it had been so long since i last saw him. and that's the last.

had vpa's training at the hardcourt there. there isn't any aircon or fan, but the wind :) nice.. lucky i brought the malay dance shoes.. to prevent blisters. heh. time to go home; discovered stupid small biting ants on the whole of my slippers..! nad's bag and clothes too. haiya. went home.

tired. sleepy. gonna go for 4E6 class outing.. wee~

im pissed off to the utmost

2010-03-17T08:35:00.000+08:00

pedih.. menyaksikan dikau dan dia

pilu.. airmata kasih mengalir di pipi

well, had a hell lot of food yesterday! it was mummy huda's treat. bought a lot of food at the pasar malam at woodlands. hehh.. then took taxi to tjcc. we ate and ate. but pity, the maggi goreng and mee teow doesn't taste nice. quite spicy and not delicious. hahaha. so we just left it there. training began. during some part of the dance, abg hamzah was so irritating! he bumped into kyani who then bumped into me and then we fell on the floor. hahaha i had the energy to stand and continue dancing when he kicked me. and ya, he hit me again. left me in the center laughing like one mad girl. hahaha.. training was funny lah. i hope it did made 2 people who were having no mood or heartbroken somehow happy and lively :)

did i mention i'm still able to undergo all these? well yes.

2010-03-15T09:12:00.000+08:00

jika ada kesilapanku, maafkanlah diriku sayang

saturday;
training was intensive! nevertheless i so so loved it :)

sunday;
our performance for the canberra day @ TJCC. all of us styled our hair like FUNKY type, and perspired 'cause it was hot! we had little audience, and lucky lah, 'cause most of us forgot our steps. haha. anis and ikhwan's toes were injured 'cause they stepped on nails on the stage 0o. danger danger. and back up for some photo snaps. hehehe. bla3, anis, kyani, nad and i ate and slacked in mcd. too exhausted and sleepy so we went home. reached home, played the computer, didn't sleep. hahaha.

S. Ramadhan, Z. Aidilfitri, N. Syawal? Hahahaha!

my heart skipped a beat

2010-03-13T09:02:00.000+08:00

usahhh lepaskannn..

hardcore friday!

went to meet anis at gombak and then met khuda near the 'BIG' clock. and followed her just to buy a packet of fishballs? -_- our training venue was at the so-called shelter lah, where there were mat skaters and minah stepping. our training was extremely tiring! first 'cause we were in a different place with a different atmosphere. and it caused us to perspire alot! almost finished the dance for zapin budi funky. hmm.. oh ya, after years, yesterday we ate airbatu MILO for the first time! hahahaa.. so nice lah.. so yummy.

haish haish haish.. only one day i missed messaging him to the extent i cant really sleep well. mabuk cinta pe? no lah, we're just friends. hehe. but still, cant help feeling guilty for something which i didnt do any mistakes..-_-

this feeling im having, i felt this before

wahai insan yang budiman;

2010-03-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

yang terindah terukir di bibirmu..

had so-called intensive training.. tiring and fun! hahaa.. for me i guess abg hamz's the topic for laughter just now? hahaa.. bla3. went home. hahaha it's always as usual. no difference.. gonna go for another training but at bukit batok tomorrow. haish. maybe they'll sleepover. but i cant. my dad.. huhuu

im starting to feel so happy nowadays.. cause there's certainly someone who's able to make my day extra brighter. hahaha.. but who knows? the future is undeniably unexpected. i'm starting to feel abit optimistic.. DAT GD? hahaha

DAT GOOD! i'm hungry.. maybe will go and MAMAM later on k..
have a goodnight sleep to everyone.. bye!

2010-03-10T17:54:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a fun hectic day.

im loving zapin (nad).. especially this kind of zapin funky. been partnering ikhwan :)

otw home in train, dropped kak huda at gombak mrt, nad and i pranked her.

we sent her spooky messages as she went home alone. ahahaha..

hope she didn't scold vulgar languages when she opened the messages. hahaha!

well well, my heart's easily captured. but still, they're some guys from my past who still hasn't

perished from my memory yet..

appreciate all those they did for me.. its just that i wasnt ready. hmm.

anyway. thursday. friday. saturday. busy days for me!

training for sunday's performance @ canberra.. woohh..

i'm trying to change people's lives for the better. so they know what they want in life, do what they can do while they are able to. start a new life and make it even more meaningful, be a better person for our family and friends to be proud of. even if i'm not able to do what i advice to people, atleast they're aware.

2010-03-09T10:44:00.000+08:00

hmm, having stomach aches now.. why eh? even though how much i eat still im hungry.
shit se.. hmm, need to meet khuda and nad at 1230 later on to survey costumes. and after that off to training. now my mum's packing her stuffs to move to johor while i'll be packing to move to hougang. yesterday had a great fun lah, jiwang in kak nana's room.. heheh.. then went home at night..

hope today's gonna be a good day.. need to find some reasons to excuse myself for reaching home late :p

2010-03-08T08:28:00.001+08:00

woah woah woah!
i sangat love the weekends!
had a short training on saturday 'cause most of the committee members were off to bbe for theatre workshop with fauziah nawi. only kyani was with us to take over. ikhwan taught single ladies' dance. hahaha so BELO! and anis, nad and kyani went to gombak and walked to the tasik there. (sorry forgot the name) then we sat there for awhile. i had mosquitoes bite but i didnt saw any -_- observed the others fished. and walked to khuda's block. played taboo while waiting for them. they arrived. went up, ate our dinner. bla3, down again for another game of taboo. and off to fetch ikhwan and nizan from interchange. had another game of taboo again! hahaha.. then we went for a walk around bukit gombak. spooky!! it was about 1-2 am? cool right? so like ghost hunting, but not lah. just had a walk and so. after that, had a ghoststories telling session.. bulu roma naik dok.. had this sudden cold feeling and was scared. but kept on listening.. shiok lah about ghosts and all these.. then ikhwan and nizan continued by telling jokes and riddles.. needless to say, it was super hilarious ahh. bla3, went up, chit-chat, then both of them went home. nad was asked to come back 'cause something happened. and then talked again. sleep. woke up. siap-siap. had breakfast. slept again. back home. took 187 to woodlands then 161 to hougang. sleepy. reached house. emo-ed. slept!

i so love the weekend even though without half parent's consent! ergg..
lets have this again!

2010-03-05T13:19:00.003+08:00

(before reading, please read the label down there)

YOU PISSED ME OFF..

had a sense of satisfaction, huh

& damn i wasn't being myself

'cause if i was i would have just say it to your face

but due to respect and patience

all this i've endured for countless times

damndamndamn please don't make me rude. wth

you guys aren't helping at all

2010-03-03T08:30:00.000+08:00

hahahaha! i wanted rain to pour down yesterday, and it did! but unfortunately it was too cold in the bus -_- met nadiah at jurong east, and we were late. muahaha i cheated kak huda in telling her that we'd already arrived at bukit gombak at first cabin walking to the last, whereas i'm still sitting and waiting. hahaha. we met her, and she was perspiring -_- and off to sembawang. kyani joined us, hehehe. yesterday was gerek ah! going to training with 'mummy' and 'aunty' hahaha they treated us :p waffles and drinks and biscuits.. yummy yum :D jual mahal tapi actually nak eh, nad? hahaa.. and walked to cc. bla3, ate our dinner then started training.. did zapin fusion. and abg hamz re-choreographed the opening dance. and i find it way cooler than the previous one, only without me in it -_- hmm training was hilarious sia! serious ah.. nonsense people with lame craps > made us laugh like hell!

I'm loving my ankle now :) hehehehe

2010-03-01T14:38:00.001+08:00

pre-poster! hahaha

2010-03-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

woahhooo.. finally the finale dance has been finalised. even though my ankle hasn't recover fully, but with the aid of the ankle guard which i purchased that day, it helped to support my ankle. able to turn abit and so. i didn't knew that my turns could be scary that my 'mummy' was quite scared? hahaha. no worries. i will take care of myself :) had variasi's 9th anniversary party (so-called). we brought different kinds of food. and it was all delicious! especially nad's & kyani's.. yum! didn't had the chance to eat the roti telur :p even though abg hamz told me i was only in for tari tualang, but i danced all. and it proved my ankle's getting better! yes! too bad, abg hamz. hahaha. i think it's because of my interest in this? chey :p maklumlah, kan! learnt new steps for the finale dance. and i was blur -_- & worried for my ankle at the same time. nevertheless, it was fine :) then packed and off to mrt station. then HOME..

Alhamdulilah, berkat doa-doa dari semua, terima kasih!

2010-02-26T12:16:00.001+08:00

hello. i'm currently using the family's desktop. since my dad has confiscated my internet usb for no reason -_- i'm being stuffed up at home doing nothing except doing some ankle exercises! well actually 2 days ago i was walking and singing to the kitchen, to fetch myself a glass of water when i sprained my ankle again and landed on the floor. was seated like suster ngesot. then was extremely stunned and glanced at my mum when she turned and scolded me for walking alot -_- and of course i cried ah. then it swelled again, but i continued on praying eventhough it hurts to rukuk and duduk tahiyat awal/akhir. anyway it tickles me to get hurt!

insyaAllah it's getting better. and hopefully nad, kyani, khuda, it will heal faster. if Allah wants me to dance, then it will heal. it if didn't heal completely, hahaha. extreme disappointment will be i suppose. life at home is making my life even miserable, man. can't really describe the events happening now. wooh. going for variasi's 9th anniversary tomorrow, and its potluck. i think i'm bringing jemput-jemput pisang? i'm too weak to carry heavy meals, you know :) klah, i can't stay online for long, i'm going off.

updates: my ankle.. hahaha!

well, it seems swollen still, but i'm able to walk now. able to jump, able to move about quickly. did some malay dance, was relieved i'm able to turn (slowwwly) yup. Alhamdulilah!

2010-02-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

well, damn damn damn! involved in RTA [road traffic accident]!
on my way home yesterday from my grandma's for foot massage when this stupid driver failed to brake his car on time and hit the back of our car! wooaahh. eventually i jerked and was thrown forward and my forehead hit the front seat headrest, whereas my arm was treaded on the door. what's worst was my injured left foot involuntarily swung and hit the door too. oosshh! it was freaking painful. my family members were not seriously injured. just a few number of bruises. sad to say, i experienced worst! my left ankle can't fully bear my own weight. hmph! and so, registered and all. did x-ray on my ankle then had an injection on my right gluteal whilst they applied crepe bandage over left foot. given 3 days MC (which I don't see the use of it), as of the rest too. purchased the medications stated then went home. felt dizzy and wanting to vomit so i slept in the car. haiya.

went to the RIAZ place (?) at Chinapoint to see the lawyer 'cause my mum mentioned that we have to sign some documents. but since the three of us are under 21, it was only applicable for our parents to sign for us -_- what a waste of sleep just to go there and did nothing? pfft.

is where my gluteal was injected -_-

i seriously hate this 'cause it's painful!

see those.

pray to Allah i will heal soon. Amin

2010-02-22T11:59:00.000+08:00

sitting at home without being able to do anything seriously sucks!
yesterday i was only able to emo after surfing the net. and all i did was crying. i can't imagine not going to perform for pestariasi. well, i did abit of thinking too, though. is this some kind of indication for me to repent? haish. if it is, it is justified that my ankle was sprained so that i'm not able to dance for now. the only thing i love to do - dance. that is why..

looked forward to yesterday's performance, eventually i was disappointed. hmm. anyway i'm able to accept this situation. i did some research on sprained ankle, and the recovery duration is approximately 2-3 months? isn't it too long to recover? haish. nevertheless i'm doing exercises to strengthen my ankle. i'm slowly able to walk, without any support. insyaAllah, i can walk as per normal by Thursday. but who knows what will happen, right? i'm not storing much hopes in myself, let me just pray to Allah. sorry, i'm a pessimist bit.

i'm hoping someone to abet me, i've no intention of ignoring what i must do. this is only the start, i surmise..

2010-02-21T09:59:00.000+08:00

went for Chingay on Saturday with variasi peeps!! (nad, kyani, khuda and anis) it was superbly syiok!! we'd tickets so we sat on the red sector there. and i saw zhi cheng at the back but he didn't saw me i guess. had lots of laughter and screams! all of us were so hyper and extremely happy, cheering and enjoying.. haha. and there's HOT guys which made them (not me) go GAGA! lastly, Taufik Batisah was there too, in the hot air balloon, singing. Tabitha was in the other balloon.. > ( ) were going extreme GAGA when they saw Taufik, jumping all around. then we went to marina square to slack and camwhored again.. after which kyani, nad and me taunted at khuda's house while anis went home.. were super exhausted! abg hamz showed us his and khuda's old pics which is soo different than them NOW.. hahahha.. and then off to sleep! zzzz

woke up early, but slept again since khuda and nad were still sleeping. bla3, us trio watched a movie on sensasi, starring fasha sandha & hadi putra!! hadi putra is sooo cute!! his eyes sparkled and made him cuter! however, the three of us cried while watching 'cause the movie is damn touching.. and ended with the death of fasha sandha.. hmmph.. we got ready, and we were LATE.. took train from gombak to sembawang and met kyani there.. glad for her to have bought a new Iphone :) then waited for nizam.. kyani told us of her early incident.. and i felt sorry for her. but hey, she's moving on :) and then off to cc. had breakfast first ah. then ikhwan came, and i was sarcastic to the extreme -_- hahahaha..

then started our training :( why eh.. 'cause while learning the new steps i turned with full force and so rash that i sprained my ankle and landed on the floor.. hahaha.. it was excruciating but i don't know why i was laughing like hell and cried at the same time -_-" hahaha.. the pain was unbearable 'cause while walking, it felt like there's something sharp poking my foot. i can't put pressure on it.. then the medics (hahaha) (ana and haikel) came with ice. and ikhwan and ana sacrificed their towel for me.. hahahha.. it's not a thanks, but SORRY :) my foot then felt so numb i can't stand the pain! i tried to stand, but can't walk :( bla3, watched them danced, haiya.. was bored sitting sia.. abg hamz was sarcastic even -_-" and ya, hahaha.. ended training, kyani sent me and nad to the taxi.. and nad sent me to my house.. thanks alot :)

it's swollen and its painful. i can't stand the bisa.. haiya :(

2010-02-17T08:36:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a blast! 7 hours of nonstop training, and towards the end, all of us were searching for water. hahaha. yeah, we perspired like hell and extremely exhausted! my feet were just recovered, but had blisters again -_- seriously need to put on socks or something for the next training. wooh! didn't eat alot before the start, and ended up having stomach pains when i want to sleep. well, we started off by practicing for this sunday's cny show, then started pestariasi's. learnt a new dance, tari silat melayu. and wow, need to open your legs wider, and be a bit harsh. okay, this isn't the first time i'm dancing silat, but it caused muscles pain in my thighs. nevertheless, i've got a hang of it. and moved on to the finale dance. we only finished 2:07 minutes of it, and there's 3 minutes more to go 0_0" if for less than 2 minutes we were already so tired and had to catch up with our breaths, how will it be for 5 minutes? ya Allah.. the dance is zapin fusion, very hippy, and energetic. i enjoyed it a lot! enjoyed it more when we used a speaker and the song was soo loud! i can go deaf dancing near it -_- and we ended it off with relaxing and lying on the floor for 10 minutes. so syiok.

there it goes again. i'm tired of living a life i don't really treasure. and it seems like i've been living a lie. don't you know, i wanted to share my feelings and problems. but it's hard. for me, is risky. 'cause i've just been experiencing several situations, just trying to learn new things. and i've so much to achieve, so much to endure. i may be a bit reluctant, but i have to do this. things are getting far way worser than i've expected. need to strengthen myself to overcome all these...

2010-02-15T17:00:00.000+08:00

woah.. penat gile ah!
my leg's been injured for two consecutive days!
well, first was because of the training on sat in the theatrette. the floor is rough and caused blisters on my feet. it was painful enough to not let me have a satisfying training. + abg hamz's choreography consists of lots and lots of turns! hahaha! second was of yesterday's. went for skating which i wore the wrong size, and it hurts!

saturday
training held at theatrette, the space is much wider + there's no mirror (advantages). its floor is rough and its super hot! (disadvantages) we went through all the dances, then had a quite long break ah. adi came but theatre training was cancelled last minute due to the others who weren't able to make it.anw, we took a lot of photos during training, all because of me snapping shots of myself hahahahaha syiok sendiri tau. ya, my photos are quite boring 'cause partially i was perspiring and if nad was in the picture, i can be a bit more cuter. hahahaha joking! then we had a great long laugh at khuda's and ikhwan's disney on ice! hahahahaha funny sey! then afterwards we left at 4pm due to halfday. kyani, khuda, abg hamz and i went to shop for snacks at ntuc bgombak and headed to his house to slack. shared a lot of jokes ah, and listened to abg hamz's stories. hahaha! can't share here ah. kyani khuda and i lepak under a neighbor block. hmm, things happened! hahaha. waited 30 mins for bus! ngantok and tired and disappointed!

sunday
had a swim in the sea. so fun! played with the ball, i was further down the sea, which was not a good thing, 'cause my adik threw the ball past me, i couldn't go further 'cause
1) im short
2) i cant swim
3) i forgot to take out my lenses so i cant swim
ok. whatever. but then abg zul helped us. hahaha. so me and sima floated in the sea. she cant float upwards, so we did opposite. the rest went home, but cik lin stayed behind with us. slept at 2am, without any shelter or tent -_- scary you know. packed and went home this morning. reached at 12 something? tiring tiring tiring. my eyes are extremely painful! tears flows down unexpectedly.

2010-02-13T08:22:00.001+08:00

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY TO BESTIEKU YG DISAYG SELALU;

SAIENAH!!! muacks! hahaha :)

selamat pagi singapura. lerr..

i'm so bored. actually right now i must get ready to leave by 9, to meet anis later at 10am. hmm.

yesterday was a great day! QUITE. surfed the internet from morning till afternoon. my cousins visited! they brought along umaiza, my new cousin =) she's so cute!! i was so jakun that i kept on carrying her and looked at her. haha. no, i wasn't daydreaming eh. not yet. my aunt said to me, not to daydream, i'm still young. ya, i wasn't thinking about stuffs. i was just adoring her beauty! -_- after which they left me with the baby to shop at the nearest central here. lucky my grandma was with me, 'cause my dad called shortly afterwards (which i missed), then texted me to come down. i asked him if he meant 'now', he's sarcastic like me, to reply 'tomorrow' -_- my parents (0_0 woa) and my brothers gathered at the voiddeck. my abang's kawan came with his bike to fetch him, a last minute plan, 'cause he was on one-day outing, then wanted to lepak with my abang. so unfair! if it was in my case, die-die can't go! so the four of us walked to mr teh tarik. ordered alot of dishes! but i only ate mee hongkong. didn't had the appetite to eat seafood + on DIET. hahahaha. diet kepe. totaled to $60, eh, i know it's only once in a month/ year, but $60 can purchase alot of meaningful stuffs. padahal nenek ku dah masak sey pat rumah. even though i hesitated to in the first place, but it's been extremely long since i went out with my parents + brother. haishhh.. family, what do you expect? ='(

hmm..

now, i think i must go and siap! later i'm gonna be late -_- or that stupid 98 bus will be late!

2010-02-12T08:29:00.000+08:00

hmm.. haiya.
spent the days at home.. which is so boring! actually training was supposed to be held yesterday, but so sorry. i couldn't make it. felt guilty =( 'cause one thing, nad isn't able to come for tomorrow's, that means she hadn't been to training for a week. wooahh. maaf ye sister. and i'm pokai! which sucks. yes. no money. sian ah. hahaha. nevermind, today my dad's pay coming in, i hope! so, can ask for extra $$, if he's willing to lah. need to top-up my ezlink. so i can freely jalan-jalan without worrying.

have to be at cc by 10am tomorrow! so damn early, man, but i think it's because of cny. hmm. even though we aren't celebrating, but cc closes by 4pm, 'cause the chinese staffs need to celebrate too, right. after that i don't know where to go. nad won't be around, and need to go through another session of boredom.. hahaha. miss her nonsense, you know. i may merajok b'cos sometimes they always laugh at me, hahahaha, didn't know i will be missing that. hahaha. lerr! and alah, boring ah! tomorrow no 'SINAR' sey.. haiyayaya! hahaha. please eh.